Do you want to know one of the most powerful indicators of success for your love life? It’s one of the biggest ways you create your life. You do it pretty consistently, sometimes unconsciously. Sometimes that way you do it keeps you from being present to pleasure. Sometimes the way you do it disconnects you from people you love. And sometimes the way you do it elevates pleasure and connection and illuminates the magic in your life. What is this powerful indicator? It’s the way you think or your mindset.
Over the years I’ve worked with thousands of clients on their mindsets and I’ve noticed some big ones that sabotage people’s relationships. Mary came to me because she wasn’t satisfied with her relationship both in and out of the bedroom. She complained that her husband didn’t really pay attention to her and didn’t bother to turn her on during sex. Her husband was shocked to hear that she was so unhappy. It has been building in the 20 years they had been married, but she never said a word.
My single client Thomas hadn’t had kept a girlfriend. He’d start off great, but then something would happen where she lost all interest. Part of the issue was that he was never certain the girl he was with was the “one” for him.
Both of these clients shared something in common. They suffered from 3 Love Life Destroying Mindsets.
I want to lay these out for you so that you can look out for them!
- Taking People For Granted
Both Mary and Thomas took themselves and the people around them for granted. They looked for flaws in others instead of looking for what they could be grateful for or glad about in regards to the people in their lives. Mary took for granted the fact that her husband worked hard to support their family, that he found her beautiful, that he helped put the kids to sleep on nights when she was exhausted. Thomas took for granted the women who spent time with him and enjoyed him. He was too busy wondering if the time he was spending was with the wrong person.
What are you taking for granted about your partner, or people you are dating, or even yourself, that you could be grateful for?
- Consistently Thinking You Aren’t Worthy
As we dug deeper into both Mary and Thomas’s mindsets we found that underneath both of them had low self-esteem. They were frequently feeling as if they were not good enough and that is why other people didn’t respond in the way that they wanted them to respond. They wanted to be wanted, but deep down they didn’t believe that they were worthy of other people love or having a great relationship. This resulted in shame, which turned into blaming other people.
If you have a mindset of not being good enough it is important that the building of your self-esteem doesn’t rely on other people, but is a practice you do on a consistent basis.
What is one thing you could do to help you feel more confident and positive about yourself?
- Anxiety, Fear and Worry
Did you know that 95% of people in North America consistently worry? Mary and Thomas were both worriers. Mary worried that her husband would have an affair, that she would never be happy, and that her husband secretly was not attracted to her. Thomas worried that if he was physical with a girl that she would expect a huge commitment to her in the relationship. He worried that he would be rejected, so he would reject the woman first. Both of them were fearful that if they actually got what they wanted it would mean more pressure would be put on them and they would ultimately fail. All this anxiety, fear and worry kept them both from relaxing and enjoying the time they did have with others.
How often are you worried about something that isn’t happening in the moment? How often are you afraid of failure so you just don’t act or when you do act your anxiety sabotages what you are trying to achieve?
I truly believe that when we shift our mindsets we can change our lives. Think about it. If you were in a spirit of gratitude for the people you love and you felt confident about yourself wouldn’t you attract more of what you wanted to you? If you were free from worry and fear wouldn’t you be able to enjoy the magical moments with another person more fully? Would life be more pleasurable if you had a powerful mindset?
With patience and work Mary and Thomas began to shift their mindsets. They had daily practices and new mind habits that helped them to gain new insights on life. They saw people and their relationships to those people in a different light. And their love lives changed. Mary felt so much love for her husband she started giving to him more. He began to spend quality focused time with her and learned how to please her in bed. If she had continued to take him for granted and not feel good enough he may have been very resistant to any change and incredibly defensive. Thomas started communicating more confidently and authentically with the women he was dating. Overcoming his fear allowed him to commit to what he really wanted and his “one” showed up in his life. He’s now happily married and says he’ll never take her for granted.
This is the power of mindset.
Which of these mindsets do you think holds you back the most?